Letters
by daansc88
Summary: Buhh... I'm not very good at this. It's another Esplanie piece. Somewhere end of 4th season I think.
1. Chapter 1

**First of all I want to let you know, that english isn't my native language, so please excuse any spelling or gramatical mistakes.**

* * *

"Can I stay," Esposito wanted to know, looking at her pleadingly.

"No, Javier get up and go, you know the rules, you have consented to them," said Lanie him with repellent voice.

"I'm already gone," the investigators said softly, dressed and stopped again at the door, before he left her apartment.

"Good-bye Lanie," he said and Lanie heard sadness in his voice, before he closed the door behind him.

Lanie was confused, normally after sex, he left without a word. This prompted the medical examiner to go to the window and look down to the street where he just stepped out of her bulding.

* * *

Javier went to his car, opened the passenger door and took an envelope out of the glove compartment.

He stared at it for a moment before returning to Lanies building and to her mailbox.

He could not prevent a single tear ran down his cheek, as the tossed in the letter, but deep in his heart he knew that there was no other way. Then he walked quickly to his car, grabbed his cell phone and made a quick call before he drove away.

Lanie had seen an envelope in his hands, so she dressed quickly and ran to her mailbox. She took the letter and went back to her apartment. She sat down on the couch and stared at the envelope for a while until she had the courage to open it.

* * *

_Dear Lanie,_  
_I'm sorry that I have to write and can't look into your eyes, but there is no other way. First, I wouldn't have the courage to do it while looking into your beautiful brown eyes, please believe me, that I have tried more than once. Secondly, there's the fact that I don't remeber the last time you allowed me to really look into your eyes._

_I cann't do this anymore. I can't pretend that it would be okay for me you throwing me out of your appartment in the middle of the night . I can't pretend that it would be okay for me that we don't talk, and that we see each other only for sex. I can't pretend that it would be okay for me that, for reasons I still do not know, you don't want me to be a real part in your life anymore._

_I know I agreed to your rules, but I can't do this anymore. I agreed to your rules, because I've missed you so much that I thought it is better to be at least close to you this way. But the truth is that everytime I'm back in the dark loneliness of your staircase, I feel like you would drift a little further away from me._

_I still love you with all my heart and that's why I ask you to accept my decision. I can't do this no longer, because I still hope for more than you are willing to give. _

_Please excuse if I disappointed you._

_Javier_

* * *

**_What do you think about it?_**


	2. Chapter 2

Tears streaming down her cheeks, as Lanie had read his letter. She didn't know what she should do, she just knew that she had lost him. And she knew that she needed someone to talk to. Immediately. So she dialed her best friend.

Kate went to the third tone. "Beckett," she answered sleepily.

"Can you come," sobbed Lanie.

"Lanie, is that you," Beckett wanted to know confused.

"Yes you come by," Lanie whispered.

"I'll be right there," Beckett said before hanging up.

* * *

Javier meanwhile stood at Ryans front door and after a few minutes starring it down, he dicided to ring. When nothing happened after the first ring, he rang again. Finally, he heard the door being unlocked and a rather sleepy Jenny stood in front of him.

"Javier what happend," she asked, yawning.

"Jenny I'm sorry to disturbe you that late, but I need to talk to Kev. It is urgent, "said the Detctive.

"Do you know what time it is," Jenny wanted to know.

"Yes, I'm sorry. But it's really importend," said the investigator.

"Okay, come on in, I'll wake him up," said Jenny, and vanished toward the bedroom.

Shortly after that Kevin lumbered into the living room.

"Bro, what's so important that you bring me out of bed at night," he asked, yawning.

"I wanted to say goodbye to you," said the Latino.

"Say good-bye," Ryan asked, confused, as he sleepily rubbed his eyes and dropped onto the couch beside Esposito.

"Yes, I go back to Special Forces for a year,... tomorrow," said Javier.

"What? Why? And how long do you know that already, "Ryan wanted to know, now wide awake in shock.

"Honestly, I know it myself only about 15 minutes. The offer came already a few weeks ago, but the decision was not until tonight, "said Esposito.

"And why? I thought you like your job. You never said anything that you want to go back," asked his partner.

"The decision had less to do with the work," Javier admitted softly.

"But," asked Ryan, but he could imagine the answer.

"Lanie," muttered Esposito.

"But I thought it have been better recently, why do you want to go suddenly," Ryan asked.

Esposito laughed bitterly. "That has been reduced to sex, when we're done, she can't get rid of me fast enough. Kevin I can't, it would have ruined me. I've never loved someone like this and I just can't stand it no longer, I endure this cold between us no longer," the Latino explained quietly.

"Wouldn't be a clean break up enough," Ryan asked.

Esposito shook his head. "I think I wouldn't bear to see her every day. I need a break from everything here, from everything that reminds me of her, "said Esposito.

"Will you come back," Ryan asked.

"Yes, it has all been resolved between the NYPD and the Army. I can have my old job back after the year. You will get a new partner and in a year you can choose who you want to continue working with, "said Esposito.

"You've really been clarified everything," stated Ryan firmly with a bitter tone.

"Kevin I'm sorry that I haven't spoken to you about it, but I had to decide this on my own, without having to hear the opinion of someone else," Esposito tried to apologize.

"It's okay," said Ryan, since he was not really mad at his partner.

"Well, then go back to bed now. I have to pack, in 7 hours, my machine is going to Fort Bragg,"said Esposito.

"Shall I get you to the airport," Ryan asked.

"Yes, wouldn't be that bad," agreed Esposito.

* * *

_**So, what do you think? **_

_**Please review**_


	3. Chapter 3

"Lanie, what happened," Kate wanted to know as soon as she closed the door behind her.

"Javier broke up," Lanie said quietly.

"Wasn't that nearly a year ago," Beckett asked, confused.

"Yes and no. I ... We met in the past few months ... but ... just to have sex, "Lanie said quietly.

"And what happend now," asked Kate.

"So, I have set up the rules that we don't talk to each other, just body language and he wasn't allowed to stay all night. He has a few times tried to persuade me that he should remain here, but he hasn't really complained. Well, and when he went away tonight, it was kind of weird. So I looked out of the window and saw that he had thrown a letter in my mailbox. Here," Lanie told Beckett and held out the letter to her.

"Do you really want me to read it," Beckett wanted to know uncertain.

"Yes, because when you read it, then you realize what an idiot I am," whispered Lanie, again close to tears.

Beckett read the letter and she only now realized how much Esposito must love Lanie.

"Like you behave you love him too. Why don't you go to him and talk to him. As Javier writes here, it doesn't sound as if you have no chance," asked Beckett.

"What should I say to him," Lanie wanted to know desperately.

"I can't tell you because I don't know why you kept that distance to him," said Kate.

"It has something to do with my past," Lanie said quietly. She hadn't even talked about it with Beckett.

"You don't need to talk to me about it, if you don't want to, but Javier deserves the truth," noted Beckett.

"I have to talk to him right now," said Lanie and got up to go to the bathroom.

* * *

Esposito had just finished packing when the doorbell rang at 3 am in the morning. He opened and was surprised, as Lanie stood in front of him.

"What are you doing here," he finally asked repellent.

"Javi can I come in please," asked Lanie and Javier closed his eyes briefly.

"Everything is said," replied the detective.

"No, it's not. Javier I love you," Lanie said.

"I'm sorry, but I find it hard to believe that," Esposito said honestly.

"But it's the truth," Lanie explanied desperatly.

"Look, you made clear, that I don't mean much more to you than good sex, so please respect that it's over now. You'll find another guy for your booty calls. Maybe this guy is lucky and your're willing to live more with him than just sex. I wasn't that guy, belive me I got the message. So don't bother, I'll be fine," Esposito said with so much sadness in his voice and in his eyes, that it was obvious that his last sentence was a lie.

"Javi..," Lanie can't say more because he shook his head.

"Don't Lanie. Don't make it harder than it already is. Go home and leave me alone. And don't worry this won't have any influence on our work. Good night," was all he said before he closed his door again.

Lanie stood in his staircase and didn't know what to do, while tears where running down her cheeks.


End file.
